I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
