1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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