I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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