Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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