help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
