just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
