i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It's Friday. Sex?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
