I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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