guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
how drunk are you?
Several
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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