Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
