i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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