Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
