I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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