I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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