my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
