the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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