Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
