I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
