I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
