I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
