i just sent this text using only my big toe
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
