Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
