Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
