There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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