Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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