Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
