The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
