My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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