im six kinds of drunk right now
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
