Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
oh god was she eating orange peels again
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
