Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
