I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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