dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
