I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
