Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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