At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
