bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
