went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
