Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
