The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
