like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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