if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
