I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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