I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
