I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
