First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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