Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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