what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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