The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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