You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
