if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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