Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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